November 9, 2013

Hollywood Safari (1997)

My family and I love lame movies. Sorry, I mean we love LAUGHING at them.

And we have quite a list. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

We recently added a new one to our "Lamest Movies Ever" list and its title is Hollywood Safari.

I just wonder one thing--did the people who made this movie think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread or were they trying to be lame??

Or maybe they worked so hard on it they decided to release it anyways and hope for the best. And the best is....not too good.

Anyways, I'm going to just bash this movie to bits and try not to think of the poor people who had to have their name in the credits of this picture.


My dad deemed it even worse than The Wilderness Family (which is a story for another day). We're seriously not even 2 minutes into the film and we're making fun of it. And the best part?? 


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, I realize if you've never seen the movie you won't get that joke. I'm sorry. It's just too hilariously stupid to explain. You need to see it yourself.
Okay, so there's this family who trains animals for acting in movies. Their mountain lion is being carted to a movie set when it escapes and runs off into the woods. A wild mountain lion had attacked a teenage boy recently in that area so the public is terrified and the police set out to get it.
(side note: I understand that people are afraid of the mountain lion since they heard about the attacked boy, but when they all run screaming from it at the campgrounds? Isn't this a little much? You live in the Midwest/west you're gonna see mountain lions from time to time!)


As you can imagine, everyone confuses the movie lion for the wild lion and the police tranquilize and capture "Kensho".  The Johnson family rush to the police station to save their lion.

The acting goes from bad to worse throughout the whole thing and is just sooooo hilarious.

  Let me talk about this family for a minute. Troy, the dad, is okay. A few lame parts, but overall okay. Except it felt like he was trying to be the Indiana Jones of this thing and it didn't really fly. It didn't even leave the ground.
  The mom is....a little weird. I understand she loves this mountain lion whom she's raised since it was a cub (I'd be crying too if the police were going to kill my pet even though it's innocent), but it just seemed strange. As if she loves it more than her family. I don't know, something just didn't come off right.
 And then there's the two sons of the animal trainers. The younger brother is soooo much smarter than the older one. I could give the kid a medal for saying "we shouldn't do this" when the older kid goes "nah, we'll be fine, don't be a chicken." Yeah. Then something happens. 

 So back to the story. There's a police man- Deputy Rogers-who is just totally irresponsible and heartless. He's kinda a jerk. But, the Sheriff leaves HIM in charge when he takes a few days off. Such a mistake. He refuses to entertain the possibility that the lion they captured is not the one that attacked the boy.

(oh and for you who have seen Love's Long Journey, the 3rd movie in the Love Comes Softly Series,  Deputy Rogers is played by John Savage, the actor who played the lead outlaw, Trent.)

Then there's Rookie McLean. He's a very serious, helpful, and just all-around-nice guy.
But get him in a car and he goes ballistic. I don't know what is WRONG with him?!? Oh yeah, I remember-scriptwriters. Haha.

"I knew we had poachers in there. I knew it!"
"It's the only way in-it's the only way out."
"Floor it, Troy!"
"Well, then you better step on the gas, my friend!"

 The boys go off to try to capture the wild mountain lion so they can save Kensho. Instead, they find a mountain lion cub in a cage, get chased by the wild lion, and fall into a hole. Their dog, Muddy, saves them from several mishaps, and finally their dad and Rookie McLean come to rescue them.

 Oh, and then there are these poachers! Oh my goodness, they're so stupid and unrealistic. It's hilarious. (yeah, I know, I say that alot.) They're all dressed up in these sloppy outfits that are remarkably clean for being poachers. They use words like "rats" and "this stinks". I wouldn't want them to use profanity, but really? Have them say nothing at all if you can't think of something more realistic but still appropriate.

The poachers take off with the lion cub and wild mountain lion as the Johnsons had finally shot it with the tranquilizer. They leave Troy and the boys tied up. Muddy runs up and unties the rope with his teeth as Mr. I've-got-a-gun-don't-move shows up and points it around crazily as he does he ballerina dance around them. Seriously. He jumps out of the hummer, looks around, sees no one but Troy and the boys, but still proceeds to pull out his gun and aim it at the trees. "What happened? What happened here?" he asks. It's our favorite part of the movie. It's just sooooo funny!

There's a car chase scene which would actually be cool if not ruined by the lame statements by the actors in the cars!! And the rock and roll music that plays as they drive really cracks us up.

Oh yes...then they actually have some fist-fights. "You're really punching each other? Sorry, I can't tell, your fist is 5 inches from his face." Well, okay, it wasn't that fake but pretty close. Especially when the rookie kept punching the one poacher and all he'd do is smile! After the fight, not one person has a nick or scratch on his face.

I would recommend this movie if you want a good laugh. "I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel." (family joke)  They wanted to make this exciting adventure story with this family as the heroes. Uh, sorry. The REAL hero of the story is Muddy, the amazing-super dog who should have earned an academy award for being the only smart one in this movie.

There are a couple of mild curse words throughout the film from what I can remember (h-ll). One of the poachers uses the phrase "kiss my b-tt". So you might not want younger kids to pick up on some of the words they use.

  This face of one of the police in the background of a scene is just so hilarious I had to include it.

Alrighty. I hope you enjoyed this review. I know I had fun making it. My younger brother told me my reputation as a blogger might be at stake if I even review this movie. Well, that's half the fun of reviewing things. You get to make fun of the really silly stuff as well as the good stuff.  Thanks for reading!!

Rating: 2 /10. I give it a 2 instead of a 1 just because it's soooo funny.



  1. Haha, my family does the exact same thing! We have so many inside jokes now from making fun of bad movies. ;P
    We might need to watch this one, because it sounds so lame I just have to see it. ;)
    Great review- it made me laugh quite a bit! :)

  2. That's so funny that you do the same thing! Thanks so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed my review!
    Yes, it would totally be worth seeing just to make fun of! :)


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