Although this is isn't strictly Austen, I had thought this would be a fun thing to post during Naomi's Austen Week. Well, I missed the deadline but here it is anyways. Better late then never. I hope you find it at least a little humorous! :)
Dear Mrs. Elton,I feel I must tell you that your habit of...hmm..breathing at the dinner table is a little...loud. I'm sorry if I cause offense, but you seem to have a habit of doing that yourself (causing offense, that is), so I suppose you shouldn't mind. Frankly, you snort between bits of food and it is most unladylike. Not to mention it causes the few unfortunates seated near you to lose their appetite. Or at least feel very uncomfortable. It's like having a pig seated near you, and, you know, no one likes pigs nearby when they dine.
Dearest Flora AKA Mrs. Finching,Flora, darling, you are an incredibly sweet woman. But do you mind if I give you a TINY hint of advice? It's about
In short, a lady does not throw herself upon a man whom she held affection for in the dear dead days of old. I am sorry, but this is the blunt truth.
Dear Cynthia Kirkpatrick,Ladies do not flirt. Remember that and you should be fine.
Dear Josie Pye,I know you are nasty to Anne because you are jealous of her. No, do not try to deny it. She has captured Gilbert's fancy and this irks you to no end. You feel you are prettier and smarter and more deserving of Gil's affections than Anne is. Well, each has their own opinion. But let me tell you something-malicious gossip only makes you look as sour as you are. Perhaps if you try being more kind, you will win the attention of some other equally nice young man (no, you can not win back Gil, give it up, Josie.). I'm sure if you give it a try it will help you.
Dear Fanny Thornton,When you go to visit someone at their house you shouldn't say that your staircase is the size of their parlor. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Neither should you be a drama queen. Your mother and brother are stressed about how to keep their selves and you off the streets, the least you could do is pitch in and try to be strong. Or at least quiet. I know being strong is asking to much. So, just please keep your mouth shut. I promise it will make things better.
Dear Lydia Bennet,I don't think anything I could say will help.
Dear Louisa Musgrove,Just-just don't jump from TEN FOOT TALL stone walls when the dashing naval Captain tells you not to. It's just common sense.
Dear Isabella Thorpe,I simply must bring to your attention that your necklines are shocking. And you are a hypocrite. You playact as sweet and innocent, Isabella, but everything you do suggests otherwise. I do not think you will (although you will cry and say you will) but I suggest trying to be a little more like your friend, Catherine Morland or HER friend Eleanor Tilney. You'll find being ladylike will greatly benefit you in the end.