November 10, 2015

How Not To Be a Lady

Hello all! Today I have a collection of letters. I wrote these to some characters in period dramas that I think...ahem...need a few pointers in being ladylike. If you strive to be like any of the women listed, well, then I feel sorry for you. I'd truly suggest you need a new role model.

Although this is isn't strictly Austen, I had thought this would be a fun thing to post during Naomi's Austen Week. Well, I missed the deadline but here it is anyways. Better late then never. I hope you find it at least a little humorous! :)

Dear Mrs. Elton,

I feel I must tell you that your habit of...hmm..breathing at the dinner table is a little...loud. I'm sorry if I cause offense, but you seem to have a habit of doing that yourself (causing offense, that is), so I suppose you shouldn't mind. Frankly, you snort between bits of food and it is most unladylike. Not to mention it causes the few unfortunates seated near you to lose their appetite. Or at least feel very uncomfortable. It's like having a pig seated near you, and, you know, no one likes pigs nearby when they dine.
Mr and Mrs Elton.:


Dearest Flora AKA Mrs. Finching,

Flora, darling, you are an incredibly sweet woman. But do you mind if I give you a TINY hint of advice? It's about your  Mr. Clennam. Arthur. Yes, Arthur. It's about him and your behavior with him. You may have been his sweetheart once, but it was long enough ago (yes, I know, to you it is only yesterday) that there should be a hint of reserve in your behavior towards him! At the very least, you should not plaster yourself to him with descending that poky old staircase and please do stop pretending he is whispering secrets to you and planning clandestine meetings when all he wants to do is have a chat with your father.

In short, a lady does not throw herself upon a man whom she held affection for in the dear dead days of old. I am sorry, but this is the blunt truth.

Photos: Little Dorrit 2009  Quote: Little Women 1994:


Dear Cynthia Kirkpatrick,

Ladies do not flirt. Remember that and you should be fine.

Dear Josie Pye,

I know you are nasty to Anne because you are jealous of her. No, do not try to deny it. She has captured Gilbert's fancy and this irks you to no end. You feel you are prettier and smarter and more deserving of Gil's affections than Anne is. Well, each has their own opinion. But let me tell you something-malicious gossip only makes you look as sour as you are. Perhaps if you try being more kind, you will win the attention of some other equally nice young man (no, you can not win back Gil, give it up, Josie.). I'm sure if you give it a try it will help you.

Ruby Gillis and Josie Pye @Elena Navarro Masson  Helena Masson <3:

Dear Fanny Thornton,

When you go to visit someone at their house you shouldn't say that your staircase is the size of their parlor. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Neither should you be a drama queen. Your mother and brother are stressed about how to keep their selves and you off the streets,  the least you could do is pitch in and try to be strong. Or at least quiet. I know being strong is asking to much. So, just please keep your mouth shut. I promise it will make things better.

"I nearly fainted!!!" I thought they were going to brake down the door and huddler is all you were in no danger .:


Dear Lydia Bennet,

I don't think anything I could say will help.

Reference: Pride and Prejudice (1995)  I thought it would break my heart!  Well I'm sure I shall break mine!:

Dear Louisa Musgrove,

Just-just don't jump from TEN FOOT TALL stone walls when the dashing naval Captain tells you not to. It's just common sense.


Gorgeous Jane Austen Novel Illustrations From the Time Before Adaptations – Flavorwire:

Dear  Isabella Thorpe,

I simply must bring to your attention that your necklines are shocking. And you are a hypocrite. You playact as sweet and innocent, Isabella, but everything you do suggests otherwise. I do not think you will (although you will cry and say you will) but I suggest trying to be a little more like your friend, Catherine Morland or HER friend Eleanor Tilney. You'll find being ladylike will greatly benefit you in the end.
Isabella Thorpe wide bonnet, Northanger Abbey (2007):


~The End~

30 comments:

  1. This is my favourite post of yours. The end.

    ~ Naomi

    PS. Seriously, it was perfect and hilarious and I enjoyed it so much! Thanks! :-)

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    1. Naomi, Aww, thanks so much!!! I kind of thought it might be the kind of post you'd enjoy. ;)

      Delete
  2. Oooh! This was great, Natalie!!! I love posts like this! And you're so right, these ladies really could use some advice! Haha! Mrs. Elton a pig? I could go with that! And Flora! "Those dear, dead days gone forever. Never to be recalled." (As she recalls them over and over again!) Ha! As you said in the letter, "...(yes, I know, to you it is only yesterday)..." Exactly. Boy, does she need to get herself up to date a little bit. :D

    Your advice to Josie Pye was excellent. And it's so true. The least she could do is try to be nice. "...(no, you can not win back Gil, give it up, Josie.)." Haha. I like that.

    Oh! I liked all these letters! Lydia's was good, too! "I don't think anything I could say will help." Haha! That is painfully true. She wouldn't listen no matter what you said to her so you may as well not waste words on her. :)

    Okay, I'm afraid this is going to be a comment full of your own quotes, but just one more, please. I like what said in Louisa Musgrove's letter, too. "It's JUST common sense." Yes, Louisa yes! Use your head a little!

    So yeah. All that to say. This was a good post, Natalie! You should do one for the gentlemen of period dramas. I'm sure there's many who could profit from your advice. :)

    ~Miss March

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    1. Miss March,
      Thank you!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

      Hahaha, poor Flora. She needs a calendar...or a watch...or something.

      Heehee, you pretty much highlighted all of my personal favorite parts too. And oh!!! A gentleman version! Thank you for that idea!
      I definitely plan on doing that. ;)

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    2. Haha! Well put. Poor Flora. She's definitely in need of SOMETHING! :)

      Oh, goody! I'll be looking forward to that post!

      Delete
  3. Haha! Loved this especially your (brief) letter to Lydia Bennet!

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    1. Lydia,
      Thank you so much!! :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!

      Delete
  4. This was awesome, Natalie! Truly, devilishly clever, old girl!:D

    That edit of Flora and Arthur! That's hilarious XD

    "I don't think anything I could say will help."

    This is seriously hilarious. More, please!!!:D

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    1. Olivia,
      Aw, thank you! You want more? Hmm..well, per Miss March's suggestion, I plan on doing a post like this for the gentlemen (or NOT gentlemen) of some period dramas. ;)

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    2. Haha! Yes!!! That would be an awesome post XD

      Delete
  5. Ohhh Flora...she just makes me shudder! Ugh...sound advice to be sure! :D

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    1. Cordy, Heehee. I personally think she's rather funny and slightly sweet but definitely an annoyance. ;) Thank you!

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  6. This was funny :P I especially liked your advice to Louisa Musgrove. "It's JUST common sense."

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  7. Hey Natalie, I enjoyed reading this post :) Superb idea!

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  8. Do the not-gentleman one! That would be hilarious. (And include Willoughby and Frank Churchill. Pretty please. :) )

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    1. Jessica,
      Heehee, I will! And hmm, I'll try to fit them in! :D

      Delete
  9. Hey Natalie,

    I've tagged you over at my blog! You can read more about it here:
    http://writeoncordy.blogspot.com/2015/11/christmas-music-tag-part-1-ice-skating.html

    And while I'm here, I agree with Jessica Prescott, you should do a gentleman version!

    ~Cordy

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    1. Cordy,
      Thank you so much! :D Heehee, okay! It'll be coming soon.

      Delete
  10. Lovely header, by the way, Natalie!

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  11. Oh my goodness. Thank you for the letter to Miss Josie Pye. She just needs to stop...... :)

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    1. Anna,
      Hahaha, she does. Thanks so much!

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  12. You have completely nailed all of these. And the picture of Fanny Thornton is priceless :-D

    Also, have tagged you with that Awesome Food tag thingie that is going around, right here. Play if you want to...

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    1. Hamlette, Haha, thank you so much! Isn't that picture hilarious?

      And thank you for the tag! I'm going to pass for now, but I really appreciate your tagging me! :)

      Delete
    2. Well, that whole scene never fails to crack me up. "I nearly fainted!"

      And no pressure! I was supposed to tag 5 people, and I was like, "Well, who have I not tagged recently?" :-)

      Delete
    3. Hahaha, I know, right? Fanny is hysterical!

      Oh, good! Thank you! :)

      Delete

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