Dear Mr. Guppy,
I must put your upbringing into question when I ask--did your mother EVER tell you that it is highly rude—and creepy—and disgusting to stalk a young lady? She has refused you quite plainly and kindly, and yet you hover under lampposts at night, staring at the windows of the house she occupies....I'm sorry, but you simply must stop. (Of course, if you were the handsome hero, we might have more sympathy for you, but your methods of attracting her attention would still be brought into question, so therefore the comparison is retracted.)
Dear Mr. Elton.
I don't care if you are an old married man of 5-and-twenty or 5-and-eighty. To refuse a poor girl a dance practically to her face in the most rude, hypocritical way possible is inexcusable.
Thank goodness for men like Mr. Knightly.
Dear Mr. Collins,
If a woman says "no" to your proposal of marriage, I think it best to believe that she truly means "no". Not "maybe", "yes, but I won't admit it", or "I wish to heighten your love by suspense."
ps. Stop waving like a little girl, it's most unbecoming in a man, especially a member of the clergy.
Dear Mr. Wickham,
Practically everything you say is a lie. Just leave the country, please. Go work in the salt mines of Bolivia or something. Just...go away.
Dear Mr. Preston,
I really don't know what to say to you. You obviously have NO idea of how a gentleman should behave. Not only do you haunt Miss Kirkpatrick with your icy, creepy glare of yours, but you arrange clandestine meetings in the woods with her. IN THE WOODS. This is simply not proper. You obviously have no regards for the reputation of young ladies. Of course, this could undoubtedly call into question Miss Kirkpatrick's regard for her own reputation, but the poor girl only wanted to repay the money she owed you. You really ought to have graciously accepted it and stop acting as if she owed you her hand in marriage because she promised you once a long time ago. You are a revengeful, cruel man. You may have honestly loved her, but your kind of love is twisted and cruel. True, noble love would have made you give her up so that she would be happy instead of tormenting her (and yourself) by a continual pursuit of her.
ps. You should have made it quite clear to that man who assumed you and Miss Gibson were lovers that you and she were indeed not. You injured her reputation by not setting the falsehood to rights.
(This next one is for you, Jessica :))
Dear Mr. Willoughby,
While I don't hate you like I hate some of the villains on this post (see my Sense and Sensibility review for reasons) you really have done some horrid, awful things. Seducing a young girl and abandoning her even when she bears YOUR child....breaking another young girl's heart when you leave her to pursue a wealthy heiress...someone ought to do something horribly traitorous to you. Maybe then you'd see what it's like to be treated how you treat others. You really are perhaps the worst of Jane Austen's villains because you see where you've done wrong...and yet do nothing to correct it. You really should try to emulate heroes like Colonel Brandon, instead of resenting him for being a better man than you are.
ps. Don't waste your time thinking of Marianne, she's much better off without you.
I...I honestly have no words. You're horrid. There's absolutely nothing to be done about it. I'm sorry.
Now, you are the hero of your story, and I do like you a lot (especially after you reform) but can I make a small suggestion? Honesty is a great virtue. We women like to be told the truth.
Cough, evenifthetruthisthatyouhaveamadwifeinyourattic. Cough.
Dear Dr. Marshland,
PLEASE do NOT send anonymous valentine's. To anyone. You really need to grow up and realize how your actions affect people...their reputations...their love lives...their sanity.
Ignore everything that Margaret says about your acting in an un-gentleman like manner. You are quite the gentleman. Just wait patiently. There will come a day when she will look back at you.