February 14, 2018

Why You're Still Single

So, yesterday I worked quite hard getting a post ready for February 14th, and I had it all scheduled to go when I woke up at 4:30 last night with a certain quote in my head and thus a fabulous idea for a blog post sprang forth.

(Don't worry, the other post I wrote will still be published sometime soon. :))

Introducing, "Why You're Still Single", a blog post tailor made for all you single ladies (what did that make you think of, Jessica? ;)) who can't seem to catch a man and are at your wit's end trying to figure out why.

Watch this video. Is this you???



Well. Never fear. Today I shall reveal to you all the mistakes you have thus far been making in your single life. If I don't have you married by the end of this post, I shall eat my own bonnet!


#1 You're not looking
Before you can ever find a man, you must throw away this ridiculous notion that you'll just meet him sometime, somewhere. NO.  Good things come to those who SEEK THEM OUT and if you're not out looking for a guy every day at the grocery store, parties, church, everywhere than you're never going to get one. If all else fails, enter his house and pretend it was a mistake. There is no such thing as a too drastic step when it comes to getting your man.


Put yourself forward at every social function. Shout your singleness from the rooftops. Guys can't be interested until they know you're available and it's YOUR job to tell them. So go catch that bouquet, girl. And make sure there are plenty of guys around to see it.


#2 You're too nice
Once you gain the attention of a man you like, you're usually very nice and friendly to him, right? WELL, DON'T DO IT. WRONG WRONG WRONG YOU WILL NEVER GET A GUY THIS WAY. You must slap him in the face, metaphorically speaking.

Guys love a challenge and your rebuff of their attentions will only make them more determined to win you. Trust me. Resort to physical violence if you must.


#3 You're too picky
Goodness, you girls are so picky nowadays! You want a man this tall, this wide, eyes this shade, hair that shade. THESE THINGS DO NOT MATTER. If you want any chance at all at getting married, you MUST remember this: 
a man is not to look at, a man is to get. 
Physical appearance has nothing to do with anything, as long as he gave you a ring.
Right? Of course right.  Yente. Fiddler on the Roof. Because WHO DOESN'T need this meme.   You're welcome world. You're welcome.

#4 You don't Bye-Yum Pum Pum
I couldn't find a good video clip, but watch The Happiest Millionaire to know the secret to catching a man.

#5 You don't look in the right place! 
Remember what I said about looking for a man everywhere? Well, that's still good to do. But it won't help you at all if you don't go looking in the right place. I recommend Brighton. It's foolproof.
Jane Austen + Text Posts


#6 You're not naive enough. 
Girls, it doesn't matter how smart you are. If you don't act like a shy baby deer lost in the woods, you won't catch a man. Guys love girls who are ridiculously naive and innocent. Makes them feel strong and smart and protective, I've heard. (Unless they're actually a bad guy. Then they'll just take advantage of you. Science has yet to give a fool proof method for recognizing one for another. Just go with it and tell me how it works out.)



#7 You're not argumentative enough
In some rare cases, guys actually don't prefer their lady to be naive and stupid. It's up to you to figure out which tactic to employ, but if #6 fails, try this one. You're bound to succeed as long you argue his every point, stubbornly refuse to make amends, and never fail to remind him that you "don't need a man!!!!" (though of course you do lol who could imagine not needing one?!? :P)



It wouldn't hurt either if you could get your father to interfere with his career plans, too. *shrugs*

#8 You accept his first proposal 
Giiirrrlllls. Don't ever ever ever accept a man the first time he proposes! You need to increase his love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females. He won't want you if you're easy to get.

It's better to make him think you hate him than to let him know how much you care. After all, if you accept him the movie won't have any plot left! I mean....that is...um.

Just don't accept him the first time. :P It's also really good if he gets angry and leaves. It means he's more in love with you than ever.

 (Don't let him have dinner at a neighbor's house, though. That's a bad sign.)


#9 You don't know where he lives
Girls, remember this: the house makes the man. Don't accept his second proposal till you know where he lives. (Knowing his annual income isn't bad either)

Lizzie sees Pemberley for the first time


#10 You're not desperate enough
At the end of the day, it all boils down to this: if you're not desperate enough, you won't get a man.
These are the best.

No man wants a happy female who is content in her current situation. No man wants a female who is independent or who enjoys something other than homemaking. So make sure the men around you KNOW that you want nothing more than to get married. That you're waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep you off your feet.

I know I just finished talking about waiting till the second proposal, but if you're over 25 I wouldn't advise it anymore. Things are getting desperate and you have only one option left.

Get a man to propose—any man—and accept him. After all, there is no guarantee another offer of marriage will ever be made to you.

Congratulations! You now have all the steps you need to be happily married by the end of this week. Let me know how it goes!


~~~

(In case you missed it, this post is COMPLETE SARCASM. Please do not follow ANY of the tips that I gave. It was a joke post. :P)

~~~

If you want actually good advice for single girls, go read "Why I Love Being Single"  because it's AWESOME and I love it so much. Totally sums up my own feelings on the subject, though it was the lovely Naomi who wrote it, not me. :)
~~~
Happy Valentine's Day, my friends!!!!! Stay tuned for some serious Valentine's Day themed posts coming soon. ;)

29 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, the sarcasm is strong in this one. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘πŸ‘Œ

    The best. πŸ˜‚

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  2. *dies laughing* :D

    Well obviously this explains why we're still single!

    (The Pride and Prejudice valentines, though...they're perfect!)

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  3. All da single ladies--ALL DA SINGLE LADIES--

    *grins hugely over #insidejoke*

    The Pemberly meme cracked me up the most. "I've made a huge mistake." Yes, Elizabeth. Yes, you have.

    :-P

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    Replies
    1. Yessss. :D

      Haha, glad you liked that!

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    2. Haha, I know that song! XD That's what I thought of too!

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  4. Haha! Loved this so much! And the " You need to increase his love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females." LOLOLOLOL. Totally Mr. Collins right there. LOVE IT

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Hannah!! Glad you enjoyed it. UGH yes. Don't ever listen to Mr. Collins. :P

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  5. This post is hilarious!!
    AND I AGREE WITH EVERY TIP.
    It hasn't worked yet though... maybe I need to try harder.

    My question is... DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BONNET TO EAT IF YOUR TIPS DON'T WORK?????
    :D
    That's what I want to see.
    Lovely post, Natalie! I enjoyed reading. :)
    I hope you had a good holiday.
    -Amaris

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Amaris!! But noooo, don't agree with these tips! These are all awful tips. ;D

      (A bonnet? *looks around nervously* 'Hem. No. I don't. :P)

      Glad you enjoyed it!

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  6. I was screaming with laughter over the studio C video. This is an awesome post. Those valentines!

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  7. I didn't know that you watched Studio C. They are often hit-and-miss but most often very funny. I am compiling a playlist of all my favorite studio C episodes. Glad to hear that that you were being sarcastic.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I enjoy their videos a lot, though some are definitely funnier than others. Haha yes, I was definitely being sarcastic. :D

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  8. GRACIOUS BUT YOU'RE WITTY.

    Oh my gosh. Natalie. xD This was FABULOUS!!! Ahhhh, I love it.

    Seriously, I don't even know what else to say. It's just a fantastic post. X"D You've learned your lessons from the Wise Ladies of Period Drama well. They'd be proud. ;)

    Happy belated Singleness Awareness Day!! :D <33

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Olivia!!!

      Heehee, glad to hear it. ;)

      SAME TO YOU! ♥

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  9. oh my gosh this whole post made me laugh so darn hard! I super enjoyed it!

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  10. I LOVE THIS!!!!! I employed every single one of these tactics and I'm now happily married so they totes work!!!!! ;)
    Though for real.... when I saw my now husband's house it did make him slightly more attractive to me.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!! Haha, well I guess I can't argue with someone with experience, then! ;) Congrats on your marriage!! I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

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  11. Ahhh! You're so funny, Natalie! THIS WAS PERFECT!! I enjoyed it immensely. :D :D :D

    ALL THE POINTS. So, so good. I wish I had time to comment all of them in detail but unfortunately I don't. :( However rest assured I shall be FOLLOWING ALL THIS ADVICE! IMMEDIATELY! So you may expect to hear of my engagement by the end of the month. Hahaha. ;P

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!!! I'm glad you liked it! :D

      YOU BETTER NOT GET ENGAGED WITHIN THE MONTH. Because a) I need my single friends and b) This advice is awful and I'd be very concerned about the guy you chose if you got him through the advice in this post. :P

      (You can get engaged in two months, but only if it isn't based on this post. ;))

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    2. (Okay. Fine. I'll wait till next month. ;))

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  12. I knew this was going to be good as soon as I read: "If I don't have you married by the end of this post, I shall eat my own bonnet!" xD

    THIS. IS. SO. GOOD.!!! Haha, oh my goodness, though - it's all done so perfectly! (And the gifs! THE GIFS!)

    Just - well done, well done!!! *round of applause*

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    Replies
    1. Yay, someone noticed that reference!! ;D

      THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

      Delete

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